Ah, that is the question. One, I get asked… a lot. Unfortunately, it is not my decision; it
is yours. There are as many reasons to leave as there are to stay, and only you can decide what will be your line in the sand.
Some people leave an abusive relationship because there are children involved, and
they do not want to subject their kids to watching the abuser abuse or having the abuser
abuse the kids. There are pros and cons to that. The pro is that you are out. Your kids
only have to see the abuser 50% of the time. You can insist on the kids getting
counseling, and the ex cannot stop that if it is in your divorce decree. The con is that the
abuser gets the kids 50% of the time.
Some people stay in an abusive relationship because there are children involved, and
they do not want a long, drawn-out, high-conflict divorce and custody. As soon as the
youngest turns 18, they leave and file for divorce. There are pros and cons to that. The
pro being no fighting over custody and visitation or child support, nothing for the abuser
to use to keep in touch with the target. The cons? Your children are growing up
watching you model for them how a relationship works, and kids are not dumb; they
know when parents don’t like each other. What they see becomes their map to their
relationships. What the abuser says to them, if there is no therapist there to correct the
mistaken thoughts and beliefs, becomes their inner critic. Every action and inaction will
have consequences. What can you live with?
Some people leave because of finances. If an abuser is also a financial abuser, not
contributing, spending money hand over fist, not helping financially, emotionally, or
physically, some targets decide that the relationship needs to stop and they need to
save themselves.
Some people stay because of finances. If the abuser has hobbled the target financially,
not allowed them to hold a job, had them have multiple kids, and demanded they
homeschool the kids and demanded that the target account for every penny spent with
no ability to save up for an attorney, some people stay.
Some people leave an abusive relationship because they are fearful of their abuser
killing them. They have realized that the abuse was getting worse, not better, and that
love did not conquer all. They have a support system of friends or family and take
advantage of social services to help them escape.
Some people stay in an abusive relationship out of fear. “Better the devil you know than
the devil you don’t.” The idea of leaving something familiar, even if that “familiar” is
harmful, is too frightening for some people to be able to escape without some form of
support.
Every abuse situation is different. Every consideration is real. Every concern and fear is
valid. Judging someone for staying or leaving shows the absolute ignorance of the one
doing the judging, usually a flying monkey.
There is no “perfect” time to leave. If you wait for “the perfect time,” you will never leave.
The optimal time to file for divorce is when the abuser has moved on and found a new
supply, and it is “their” idea to divorce. Barring that, you will need to do a pro/con list and
make sure the abuser does not find it. You do not want them to know you are thinking of
leaving. Some people accidentally on purpose leave the pro/con list where the abuser
can find it, thinking that if they saw you were serious about leaving, they would change.
They DO NOT change. In fact, once an abuser knows you want to leave, they will throw
every roadblock they can, usually financially, to your leaving.
